My Brain Has Diarrhea

I'm not the type of person people stop conversations for.

I've never been much of an attention grabber or attention demander for that matter. Never the prettiest, funniest, smartest or most kind; no special sort of magnetism that draws people in. I'm one of those people who are forgettable and often misunderstood because  most don't take the time to have a real conversation with me and I won't force it upon them. There are better and more important things to be done. I know. I'm that way too with a lot of those people who are also like me.

I have all kinds of respect for the person who takes the time to talk. Really talk. That to me is the most important trait a person can have: the ability to focus attention off of themselves for a brief moment in time to really listen. Listen. What a concept!

I go through my life not listening the way I should. I can hear the sounds rushing around me, but I'm not listening. It hurts to think of my daughter wanting me to hear her and I'm not present in the way I should be present. Put down the iphone, look away from the computer, drop the laundry kind of listening. I'm trying, TRYING to do more of it. She's everything to me. I've made strides but have much further to go.

Inclusion/exclusion. Confusion. Seclusion. Introspection. Resolution.

I'm learning. Learning. It's a never-ending litany of life lessons. Listen. Listen with your ears, girl! Pay attention. Now, listen with your heart. Care. Remember.

We all need to feel important to someone. I want to be that someone. I don't want to be the someone who just says a careless, "hi" or "see ya!" when you invisibly walk away. I want to be someone who makes an impression on you as a person who didn't necessarily have anything important to say, but rather made you remember how you felt to speak with...in a good way, of course. I'm learning...I'm learning...

Don't take my quiet for granted. Don't walk over my back. Don't make assumptions and implications about me that your wouldn't want to have made about you when you have no idea.

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In other news...

Last night someone said this to me in conversation--it went a little something like this:

RB(Rude Bitch): I know! She said she'll be sad when her kid goes to Kindergarten because then she'll have to go to work!

Me: {{crickets}}

end of conversation


This was something like a veritable slap-in-the-face. I just wanted to say, "Do you know that I don't work and my kids are in 4th and 7th grades?" But, she knew it and said what she said anyway. I've been getting a lot of comments like this lately the more I crawl out of my cave. Things like, " I feel so stupid in front of these people while my kids are gone. They must think I just sit around all day and drink coffee! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Yeah.

My kids are gone from about 8:40 am until 3:05 pm. Yeah. I just sit around all day and drink coffee. Really? Why do other moms say things like this to me? I know that they know how much there is to do to run a household. I'm also lucky enough to be here every time I have a sick kid or an orthodontist appointment and to run one, two or sometimes all three dogs to the vet when they need to go. And The Man never has to miss a minute of work for any of it. I'm also lucky enough to be able to drive my kids to and from school when it's sub-zero outside for the long winters without bus service being available to us. Yeah, I'm lucky all right. I'm here when the principal calls with news of in-school suspensions, school nurse calls of fevers and then able to be there to tend to my child's relative catastrophe at moment's notice. Literally.  I take care of business, day in, day out. Rarely a dull moment.

I also have the luxury to treat myself to a very occasional salon visit, long lunches or a monthly day of naps when I bleed like I'm dying. I'm lucky my husband can afford to take care of me in this way and in turn, I take care of everything else for him--for them. And it's a lot better than wiping the ungrateful asses of strangers who might not bathe for weeks...months...


I've taken pride in the fact that I have raised and will continue to raise my children. I am their mother, and I hold that job as sacred. I brought them into the world, dammit, and I'm going to raise them and provide a fun and loving life for them with an ever-present mother. Period. No one else can take credit for that. Not a babysitter, nanny, manny, A+ Before and After School Care Inc., Grandma, Grandpa--none of them. Just me. That's why I had them. And I want to be here for them until I don't think they need me as much. I used to think that day would be when Nattles trotted off to first grade, Nolan in 4th, and I'd be free as a bird to make sweet moulah and they just wouldn't need me so much. Whatthefuckevah. They came out of my va-jay-jay and well, they're mine. They need me. It never stops. Now shut the fuck up and pay attention to what you're saying. And go get me my mutherfucking coffee...


Thanks.