it's pretty sad that this post can apply to so many and that i've been here before

I feel compelled to write today. Honestly--compelled like a gravitational pull was rendering me weak in the knees, stomach in knots and tears pushing to the surface to run-- not walk--(abandoning all things laundry) to the computer. I thought about who still reads here and realized I've lost most of my readers due to offense, speaking too much of my own truth or near abandonment of this space. Either way, I'm still here and this is my cheapest form of therapy; cheaper than Two Buck Chuck even, so I feel safe to let it out. Here. In my own words.
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So much thinking, ruminating, self-flagellation keeps going through my mind. Thinking things like "Why?" and "What did I do to deserve it?" All I can think is, "Why not me?" and "Nothing." It doesn't answer much, but that's all I can come up with. We all deserve a little pity party of our own now and then, so this is my time and maybe while I'm here, I can make heads or tails of this situation. I'm not saying I'm a complete, lifetime innocent and without flaws in situations and relationships, but it sure has been seemingly unwarranted and bizarre mixed with incredibly bad timing. And sure, millions have it so much worse: I don't have cholera, I'm not being stoned to death or pimped out or in the middle of a famine or drought, but my pain is real even if the cause pales in comparison to all the world's atrocities.

The last time I cried, it was for a specific occurrence and today it just so happens to be for the same one. Shock. Complete and utter disappointment. Pain. Total confusion. Recall. Bafflement. Unfamiliarity. Betrayal. Intense regret. Embarrassment. Anger. Defense. Seeing that I'm not really deserving of the ugly side of anger gives me some comfort, so I'll take it. I'm not one who easily forgets: my heart has a memory that my mind can't erase. I guess that's my way of saying that maybe I hold grudges for too long. I've never been good at letting hurt go. But I wouldn't say I'm bitter--just still very hurt and a little confused. No...a lot confused. Can you forgive and still hurt at the same time? Can you forgive a person and still want them removed from your life--or at least put at a very far and safe distance--for good?

I guess something that has been with you for practically your entire life doesn't have to continue to be. You can love something at a safe distance that spares you the pain of being too close. You can love the glow of a fire without getting close enough to it to be burned. I am also reminded of one of my favorite quotes from a very wise soul-- "When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them." I know there is always context to this and in context only will I place it. No, this wasn't the first time, or even the second for that matter, but I believe with the strength that my family gives me and with all the love and good that I have in my life, that it was, indeed, the last time. I will refuse to go back again for more; I should have believed you the first time.